I had to take a drug test today. I hate the idea of being forced to urinate in a bottle while some stranger monitors me. Somehow in the last few decades the powers that be made it seem acceptable to impose this on people. The night before the test, I Googled all my supplements and made sure they won’t cause false positives. Apparently Onnit supplements, which I use, are all checked by a third party laboratory to ensure that they will not result in a positive drug test. Their testing even meets USADA standards. I figure great, I should be OK. First thing in the morning I have my usual breakfast of Muesli and blue berries with hemp seeds. As I add the hemp seeds, I think oh, crap. Forgot about these. I skipped the muesli and hemp this morning and instead made a spinach and feta omelet. I read that I should not have an issue with the hemp seeds, but I skipped them this morning anyway. Apparently you aren’t allowed to eat hemp products if you are in the military. This gave me some concern, but not much I can do about it. I eat it almost every day. I have to take the damn test.
I leave my home earlier than usual so that I can take the stupid test and still get to work on time. I arrive at the testing center at 7:45AM. I check in behind a guy with all kinds of skulls, snakes, and spiders tattooed on the back of his head and fill out several forms and find a seat in the waiting room. Every other time I have taken one of these idiotic tests I have done it at a lab that just runs tests. This test was to be conducted at an urgent care facility. Apparently the flu epidemic is pretty bad this year. I am in a room full of people coughing, moaning, and wheezing. Several are wearing surgical masks. I flipped through some magazines and played with my phone for a little while and noticed it is 8:45. I was supposed to have a meeting at 9:00, so I emailed some co-workers telling them that I will be a little late. Then 9:00 rolls around. I am still not being seen. I inquire at the front desk and the lady looks for my information in her computer. It doesn’t seem to be there. She re-enters some things and tells me she will try to get me seen. I decide to stand, because I am starting to feel bad because I have already switched seats a few times to avoid the coughing and sneezing of some of the sicker patients. 9:30 rolls around. I still haven’t been seen. Many more flu victims have made their way into the almost full room. I make eye contact with the lady at the front. She pages someone to give a status on my test and assures me it will be soon. When I arrived some 100 minutes ago, I already had to go to the bathroom. I chugged most of my 750ml camelback bottle on the way in. Now I really have to go. Finally, 10:15 rolls around and I get to go back. I easily fill the cup. I think I could have filled half a dozen of them. I sign the seals and the lady conducting the test starts having trouble with her computer. She isn’t able to enter the testing information. What time sucking abyss have I wandered into? At about 10:30 the system finally begins working. Two hours and forty-five minutes of my life that I can’t have back and I will be lucky if I don’t have the flu. I hate these tests. They are so demeaning. I envy the generations before me that never had to deal with this crap. Wait in this room full of sick people and give me your body fluids when instructed. We don’t care about you, your dignity, or your health. Whatever happened to, “innocent until proven guilty?” At what level in someone’s career does this finally end?